Fear
by madeleine68
Summary: Noun; 1. A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger; 2. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension. They both have their own fears. Can they help each other cope? A/O THE LAST CHAPTER IS UP! Review for more!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Nothing's mine.**

**This is going to be a relatively short multi-chapter story (between four and eight chapters, probably). Yes, it's going to be fast paced, so my apologies if you don't like that. It's AU, of course. This takes place during the course of **_**Undercover **_**and it's definitely going to be A/O (previously established).**

The blonde could hardly contain her excitement as she stepped off the plane, but she forced herself to put on a calm exterior. She had to stay strong. But she hadn't seen the woman she loved in nearly two years, and her heart was dancing in her chest, and she wasn't quite able to hold herself together. She'd waited for this day for three years, and finally – _finally _– it was here!

She walked outside JFK and raised her arm in the still-instinctive gesture; a cab immediately stopped for her, and she smiled. She'd forgotten how easy it was to hail a taxi in this city – for her, at least. Her girlfriend had found it endlessly amusing how she could walk outside, raise her right hand, and cabs fell over each other trying to get to her. "It's because you're gorgeous," the brunette had told her seriously, so long ago. "Any cab driver would love to have you in their backseat."

"And you know," the blonde had added with a mischievous glint in her eye. "We _do _put on quite a show for them."

Her girlfriend had smiled her patented half-smile. "That, too."

She gave the taxi driver the address and stared out the window, rolling it down and taking in the pungent fumes of the city, the diesel exhaust that had irritated her when she was younger, but she realized now how much she'd missed it. She looked out at the city's landmarks, the Empire State building, Radio City Music Hall, everything that just screamed _New York_. She loved it.

They finally reached their destination and the blonde pressed a fifty into the driver's hands, telling him to keep the change, not because she was feeling generous but because she didn't have the time to count out the exact payment.

She took a deep breath as her feet carried her inside the familiar building. She hadn't been there in almost two years, but it felt so good. And soon she would be with her true love again.

The men sitting around the room gasped when they saw her, and spoke her name in almost reverent tones, as if they couldn't believe their eyes. But she was only interested in one thing. "Where's Olivia?"

"I'm sorry," apologized Elliot. "But Liv's undercover."

And Alex Cabot's world started to spin.

**Review if you want chapter two!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Where?" Alex managed to choke out, her throat constricting at the thought of having to wait to see her Olivia.

She'd thought of Olivia, cried for Olivia, missed Olivia every night for nineteen months. Nineteen months had seemed like an eternity without Olivia there to help her carry on. On her worst days, the only thing that sustained her was the thought that she would see Olivia again someday. And while she'd waited nineteen months for this, Alex Cabot was not a patient person, and she suddenly knew she wouldn't be able to wait one more moment for Olivia.

Elliot cleared his throat. "I can't tell you, Alex. You know that."

Alex crossed her arms, trying not to show him how much this meant to her, replacing her icy façade. "Don't make me go over your head," she threatened, glaring at him. "And you know I will." She prayed he wouldn't call her bluff, but then, he never did. None of them ever did.

Elliot rolled his eyes. "You haven't changed a bit. Welcome back, Alex."

She narrowed her eyes. "Tell me where she is or I will castrate you and then cut your balls into tiny pieces. Got it?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "And she's _back_." He sighed, then answered her original question. "She's at Sealview."

_No way. That was totally not okay_. "Why?" Alex bit out.

Elliot shrugged helplessly. "She wanted to go. A guard's raping the inmates and she had to –"

"And you _let _her?" Alex cut him off. "What kind of partner _are _you? She could get hurt or –"

"Fin's there with her. He'll take care of her," Elliot tried to assure her, but the words sounded hollow, and she knew he didn't believe it himself.

"I'm going to see her," she told him in that voice that left no room for argument.

"You can't, Alex. I shouldn't have even told you this. You would be jeopardizing our investigation."

"Screw your investigation. I'm getting my girlfriend out of that hellhole and taking her home with me."

"She volunteered to go," he reminded her.

"She's an idiot," Alex snapped. "She forgot how I would feel if anything bad happened to her."

Elliot sighed. "I think you might be being a little selfish here, Alex."

"No, don't you tell me I'm being selfish! I've gone nineteen months spending every waking moment thinking of her and missing her, and now I'm back, but she's not." To her horror, she found tears rushing to her eyes, and she furiously blinked them back. "I'm going to see her, Elliot. I can't wait any longer." She understood where Elliot was coming from, but she wasn't talking as an ADA right now. She was talking as Olivia's girlfriend, and she needed Olivia now. "I'll – I'll say I'm her lawyer. I just need to see her!"

Elliot took a deep breath. "I understand. Just don't tell anyone I told you where she was, okay?"

Alex nodded gratefully. "Thank you," she managed, before turning on her heel and bolting out of there without even greeting John or the captain. She was on her way to Sealview.

To _Olivia_.

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the reviews! Here's a slightly longer chapter for you.**

Alex went straight to the highest power, the warden. "I want to see Olivia Benson," she informed her.

The warden raised an eyebrow. "It doesn't quite work that way, ma'am. There's a procedure you have to follow to speak to a prisoner."

"She's not a prisoner. She's –" And then Alex stopped, realization flooding through her. They hadn't told the warden about Olivia. She shook her head in amazement. What on earth was Captain Cragen playing at?

And then she realized the true meaning of this. She couldn't see Olivia, simply because she didn't know the alias the detective would be going by. And that made her angry. But for the second in her life, there was nothing she could do. And that just made her sad.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, fighting back tears before she turned on her heel and walked away.

As she started to walk out the door, a cry of, "Alex?" made her jump and turn around.

"_Fin_?"

He was wearing a CO uniform, but Olivia was the only thing on Alex's mind as Fin started toward her. "You're back."

She nodded. "I found out Olivia was here. Take me to see her," she commanded, as she was prone to do. Alex was used to ordering people around and they usually immediately obeyed. She hadn't even dreamed that Fin might resist.

Luckily, he didn't. "Come with me," he said, gesturing for her to follow. She breathed a sigh of relief, glad that their friends understood.

"What the hell was she _thinking_?" fumed Alex as she followed Fin, clasping her hands to keep from wringing them. She was trying to stay composed, but she couldn't quite keep up the façade.

"She's Liv," answered Fin, shrugging. "She just doesn't."

Alex smiled to herself, knowing he was right. "I want her out of here."

Fin sighed. "You can take that up with her. How did you end up back here, anyway?"

She waved a dismissive hand. "Velez is dead. I came as soon as I could." They stopped in front of an empty cell, and the look of trepidation on Fin's face concerned her. "What is it?"

"This is Liv's cell," he said in a low voice. "She should be here."

Alex balled her hands into fists at his words. She didn't like this being referred to as "Liv's cell." She knew that Fin didn't mean to be tactless, but he was.

"Yo, where's your cellie?" Fin asked a woman in the next cell.

The woman shrugged. "Dunno."

Fin's apprehension turned to fear. "Show me where you go where there aren't any cameras."

The woman crossed her arms. "Why should I?"

Alex wasn't above begging. This was _Olivia_, after all. "Please," she pleaded. "I need to see her."

The woman sighed, seeming to soften at Alex's words and the look on her face. Alex tried to keep her mask up, but it kept slipping, betraying her fear.

Fin shoved the woman in front of them and Alex tried not to run, because she couldn't afford to trip and fall over her heels. She needed to calm down, and she reminded herself to breathe. _In and out. In and out._

They reached a door and Fin started to unlock it, but the woman stopped him. "Whoa. You can't go down there!"

"Why not?" asked Fin.

"Because that means somebody already _is_. You know what I mean?"

Alex did. As the realization dawned on her, her knees started to buckle and she bit her lip to stifle a scream. "Open it!" she shouted in her most authoritative voice.

Fin looked at her with concern, taking her shoulder to keep her from falling. "Are you okay, Alex?"

"Yes, yes," she said, her icy façade abandoned for good now, panic seeping through. "I'm fine. Just open it!"

Fin rummaged around for the right key and finally found it. "Stay here," he ordered both women, but Alex shook her head.

"I'm coming with."

Fin ran down the stairs, drawing his gun, Alex at his heels. "Police!" he screamed. "Drop it! Drop it!"

The sight that awaited Alex took her breath away. Olivia was on her knees, tears streaking down her cheeks as she begged for him to stop, for someone to come and save her. The man had his pants down and his penis out, and he was forcing it into Olivia's mouth as she cried and pleaded. But there was Olivia, beautiful as ever, but _vulnerable_. Alex had never seen her like this before, and it scared her.

"Police!" repeated Fin, his eyes widening as the man turned away from Olivia.

The detective sank back against the wall, sobbing helplessly, not even noticing Alex's presence. Her heart wrenched and Alex ran to Olivia as fast as her heels would allow, kneeling beside the detective and wrapping her arms around her as Fin cuffed the CO and started to Mirandize him, leading him out of there.

Olivia didn't even seem to register Alex's presence. She just cried as Alex pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of her head. _God, it felt so good to have Olivia in her arms again_. "You're okay, Liv," she whispered, holding her close. "I'm here."

At that, Olivia raised her head and darted her chocolate eyes up to meet Alex's. She looked as if she could hardly believe her eyes. "_Alex_?"

"Yes, _ma chérie_. I'm here. I'm here." She gave Olivia another kiss. "Velez is dead, and I'm back."

"To stay?" questioned Olivia, hardly daring to breathe.

Alex hugged Olivia tighter. "To stay."

**Review for chapter four!**


	4. Chapter 4

They stayed like that for a few moments, Alex holding Olivia close, just taking comfort in each other's presence as Olivia's sobs gradually subsided. Finally, Alex took Olivia's hand and helped her to her feet, murmuring, "Come on, Liv. Let's get out of here."

"Will you come home with me?" whispered Olivia, sounding needier than Alex had ever heard her sound.

"Of course. It's my home, too, right?"

Olivia managed a watery smile. "Right."

Alex kept her hands protectively on Olivia's shoulders as she led the detective outside, presuming that Fin would take care of everything else. She'd been planning on giving Olivia hell for putting herself in such danger, and this just proved her point, but seeing the fragile state the detective was in, she decided against it. Alex hailed a cab, and it took a few moments longer than usual, but one finally stopped and the two of them climbed into the backseat. Olivia, who'd mostly calmed down by now, gave the driver her address. "It's going to be good to be home," she murmured, resting her head in Alex's lap.

The ADA threaded her fingers through Olivia's hair. It felt so good to be back again. "Agreed."

"I'm sorry, Alex," said Olivia softly. "I know this wasn't exactly the welcome you were expecting."

"It's fine," said Alex dismissively, planting a gentle kiss on Olivia's temple. "I missed you so much, Liv. I don't need a huge welcome back party or whatever you would have done for me. I love you, _ma chérie._ And seeing you again is all I could ever ask for."

"My angel," whispered Olivia, shifting to get more comfortable in Alex's lap.

Alex looked down at her in amusement. "What did you say?"

"I was praying," explained Olivia.

Alex smirked. "Praying? _You?_"

"No, I mean when he was . . . trying to rape me. I prayed for an angel to come and save me and take me away." She smiled weakly at Alex. "And you did."

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

Alex knew she had to put her own feelings aside now. She had to be strong for Olivia. She couldn't imagine the pain her girlfriend was in right now, but she knew she needed to help her. When they arrived at the apartment, Alex just stood in the doorway for a moment, taking in the sights, the smell of home. It felt _so good_.

But now wasn't the time for that. "Let's get you into a bath," she told Olivia gently. "I'll run it for you."

"Will you have one with me?" asked the detective, a hint of mischief playing around her lips, but Alex knew she was serious.

"Of course," agreed Alex. "Here, let's throw out this prison uniform. You don't need it."

Olivia immediately complied, stripping off her orange jumpsuit as Alex went to the washroom and ran the bath for her. This was going to feel so good.

She took out the lavender bath salts, which were Olivia's favorite. She knew they would make the detective smile.

Alex got undressed and called to Olivia, "It's ready!"

Olivia came into the bathroom, a bit hesitantly, her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

"Are you okay?" asked Alex cautiously. "If you don't want to –"

"I do," said Olivia quickly. "I do." She raked her eyes up and down Alex's body and smiled. "You're beautiful," she added softly.

Alex smiled back, reaching out to stroke Olivia's hair. "So are you."

Olivia climbed into the bathtub and Alex climbed in after her, taking the detective into her arms and pressing a soft kiss to her shoulder blade.

"God, I love you," she murmured.

Olivia relaxed in her arms, resting her head against Alex's shoulder. "This is nice," she whispered.

"Agreed."

Olivia smiled and closed her eyes. "I missed this."

Alex held Olivia close. "I missed _you_."

"So where have you been for the last two years?"

"Nineteen months," Alex corrected her. "I ended up in some puny, no-name town in the middle of Alabama. How about that?"

Olivia smirked. "I can't imagine."

"I'm pretty sure I drove Hammond up the wall," she commented. "He told me that I was the most difficult person he'd ever had the misfortune of dealing with, and definitely the most stubborn."

"He should know better than to tango with my Alex. What was he _thinking_?" There was pride creeping into her voice, and it made Alex smile again.

She kissed the base of Olivia's neck. "You cut your hair again."

"Yeah. Do you like it?"

"Definitely," approved Alex. "I mean, you're always gorgeous, but you're especially gorgeous with short hair. It flatters your beautiful face."

"Your hair grew out," observed Olivia.

"Do you know what?"

"What?"

"When I was in Alabama, I dyed it red!"

Olivia laughed. "I can't imagine you as a ginger."

"Redheads are a dying breed," Alex informed her. "Most of them are bottle gingers."

"Mm." Olivia snuggled closer to Alex. "Let's not play trivia right now."

"Ah, but you remember my affinity for arbitrary facts at arbitrary times."

"Especially during sex," commented Olivia.

Alex laughed. "Yes, I do recall." She traced a pattern on Olivia's back, delighting in the detective's full body shiver. "I missed sleeping with you."

Olivia winked. "We never actually got around to doing a lot of _sleeping_."

It occurred to Alex that now might not be the best time to bring up sex with Olivia, but the detective seemed okay with it, so she just smiled.

They soaked in the bath for a few more peaceful moments, then Olivia whispered, "The water's getting cold."

"I'll warm you up," offered Alex.

Olivia got out of the bathtub and Alex followed. Olivia wrapped the ADA in a warm fluffy towel and hugged her tightly, kissing her forehead.

Alex smiled in spite of herself, both at the warmth of the towel and the warmth of Olivia's arms. "I guess you're warming me up, huh?"

Olivia grinned and pulled another towel around herself.

They dried off and then climbed into bed together, holding each other close. Both of them were exhausted after such a long day. Alex rubbed comforting circles into Olivia's back and kissing a trail up her spine. "I'm so glad to be back here, with you," murmured Alex.

"Me, too, sweetie," replied Olivia, cuddling closer to her girlfriend.

"You have no idea how long I've waited for this, how much I've anticipated this, how often I thought about this."

"I think I do," whispered Olivia. "Because I felt the same way." And that was the last thing she said before drifting off to sleep.

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Warning: mature content. Read at your own risk. And don't be too harsh, please!**

Alex woke up to a sharp kick to her ribs. It took her a moment to recognize her surroundings, but then she realized that she was home, with Olivia. The detective was thrashing around in bed, whimpering and mumbling incoherently. All Alex could make out was, "No, no, no, no, no. Help!"

Olivia's wounded pleas were tearing Alex's heart out, and she took Olivia's shoulders and said softly, "Olivia, it's okay. It's just a dream. You're home. You're safe. I'm here." She took a deep breath. "You're okay, _ma chérie_. You're okay."

Olivia's eyes flew open and she began to cry again, curling up into a ball. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Alex brushed a few strands of damp hair back from Olivia's forehead. "It's okay," she murmured, her voice cracking as she tried to hold back her tears. "I love you, Liv. It's okay. It was just a dream."

"I know," Olivia said quietly, turning away from Alex and wrapping her arms around herself. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

Alex sighed and moved closer to Olivia, taking the detective into her arms and kissing her hair. "It happens sometimes. Don't be sorry." She hesitated, remembering how Olivia dealt with such situations. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Olivia sighed too. "He had me on my knees and he was going to rape me. You saw."

Alex got the sense that Olivia wasn't telling her everything. "What else?" she prodded.

Tears glistened in Olivia's eyes like tiny jewels as she said softly, "It wasn't me he was hurting. It was you."

That was . . . unexpected. Alex didn't know what to say. She'd never been good at this part. She just hugged Olivia tighter and kissed her cheek, hoping that it would be enough.

"You can't imagine what it was like there," whispered Olivia. "There's no privacy and they take advantage – they strip search you and they put their hands inside you and they tell you they're searching for contraband, but really they just want to cop a feel." She rested her head on Alex's stomach and the ADA stroked her hair. "It was _awful_."

"Why did you go?" Alex winced as soon as the words were out of her mouth, wishing she could take them back. She hadn't meant to sound so harsh.

But Olivia just smiled wryly. "I guess I wasn't really thinking. I thought I was helping, but I guess I hadn't fully assessed the risks. You weren't here to warn me."

Alex smiled back. "You know it's because I care about you."

"I know." Olivia smiled in nostalgia. "I'd almost forgotten what it was like."

"Oh, please," said Alex dismissively. "You had the squad. They're like family. I had _no one_. Everyone thought I was dead."

"I guess in retrospect, I didn't have it _so _bad."

"No, you didn't," agreed Alex, pulling Olivia closer to her.

The detective rolled over so she was facing Alex. She leaned forward and pressed her lips gently to Alex's. Alex smiled against Olivia's mouth and leaned into the kiss as the detective's lips parted to allow her access. They kissed deeply and passionately, reaffirming their relationship physically. Alex closed her eyes against the sensations. She'd missed this so much, the taste of Olivia in her mouth.

Finally oxygen became a necessity and they broke apart, staring into each other's eyes. "That was . . . wow," said Olivia.

Alex just shook her head, speechless for the first time in her life. She hadn't quite been prepared for the intensity of their kiss, but then, this was Olivia. Olivia's touch sent waves of electricity coursing through Alex's veins every time.

"Is that okay?" asked Alex finally, after she'd gotten her raging emotions under control. After what she'd seen today, she wasn't sure if Olivia wanted to take this any further.

Olivia nodded, leaning forward to kiss Alex again. "It's just you." When they broke apart, she added, "I've waited so long for this." She wrapped her arms around Alex. "Touch me."

Alex hesitated. She wanted to, although she knew in the back of her mind that she probably shouldn't. But for once, she let her heart rule her head instead of the other way around as she stroked Olivia's sides, delighting in the aroused shudder the gentle touch elicited from the detective. "Is this okay?"

Olivia rolled her eyes, nodding enthusiastically, then moaned as Alex snaked her hands lower. "Please," she groaned. "Oooooooh, God, Alex! Yes, yes, yes!"

Alex smiled as she felt the copious moisture between Olivia's legs and lightly traced circles around the spot where Olivia wanted her most, every so often dipping between the detective's legs to coat her with wetness. Olivia was moaning in arousal at the sensations, thrusting her hips forward to garner more friction. Alex smiled up at her, continuing to tease for a moment, and then thrusting two fingers inside Olivia.

The approving mewls immediately ceased, and Alex glanced up at Olivia to see the look of absolute terror on her face. "No," whimpered Olivia, squeezing her eyes shut.

Alex stopped as soon as she heard, but she feared it might be too late. She silently cursed herself. She should have known better. "I'm sorry," she said softly, not daring to touch Olivia, hoping she hadn't just sent the detective into a flashback.

Olivia sighed, burying her head in her hands. "God, I'm sorry, Alex. It's not you. It's just . . ." She trailed off, unable to vocalize the feeling.

"It's okay," said Alex quickly. "I understand. It might take time, and that's okay. I shouldn't have pushed you –"

"You didn't. I wanted it. Or at least, I thought I did." She looked up at Alex, tears glittering in those huge chocolate eyes. "Hold me?"

**Review for chapter seven!**


	7. Chapter 7

Alex held Olivia until she fell back asleep, but Alex couldn't sleep herself. She felt horrible about what she'd done to Olivia. She hadn't meant to do it, but she should have known anyway.

Then she allowed herself to just enjoy this, lying beside Olivia, holding the detective in her arms. She'd missed her girlfriend so much and she'd dreamed of this every day for nearly two years. Night after night, she'd cried herself to sleep, wishing Olivia was here to soothe away her tears. But she would wake up the next morning and she would be all alone, the side of the bed that Olivia should have been sleeping on would be empty, and the house would be full of ghosts. But now everything was okay.

Olivia stirred and turned over to face Alex, smiling slightly. "'Morning, sweetie," she murmured, rubbing her eyes.

Alex smiled back, kissing Olivia's forehead. "Good morning."

"I was scared to wake up," confessed Olivia. "I thought I might find that last night was just an amazing dream . . . and that yesterday was just a nightmare."

Alex caressed Olivia's cheek. "Well, I'm here to stay," was all she could think of to say.

Olivia's lips crinkled into a smile. "I love you."

"I love you, too, _ma chérie_," whispered Alex, giving Olivia another kiss. Then she smiled back. "And it's nice to wake up in my own bed after nineteen months!"

"I can't imagine how you feel. It's been just one _month _since I've been here."

Alex held Olivia tightly, trying to anchor herself to the detective, just to assure herself that Olivia was really there. She had to admit that it seemed almost dreamlike to her too.

"Alex?" said Olivia suddenly. "When you were in Witness Protection . . . was there anyone else?"

"Yes," Alex admitted. "But don't worry. Alex Cabot is gay and Alex Cabot is madly in love with Olivia Benson. Emily Richards was neither of the above. It was a distinction I had to make." She hesitated. "Weren't you with anyone?"

Olivia shook her head. "I love _you_, Alex, and no one else could ever compare."

"I love you, too," said Alex hastily. "Everyone who Emily was with, she found that they kept falling short of you. So she could never truly give herself to them. Sex, yes, but that was _all _it was."

"I know," Olivia assured her. "It's okay." She wrapped her arms around Alex and kissed her cheek. "We're going to be together, forever."

Alex smiled. "We will."

"We love each other. We can get through anything. We can work through what happened at Sealview and you being in Witness Protection and everything else. That's what love is."

"And I love you."

Olivia gave Alex a kiss. "And I love _you_."

**I think I'm going to end it here. I know it's one of those unresolved endings I'm so fond of, but I think it's open-ended but still a satisfactory conclusion. Review if you enjoyed this short story!**


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